humor me.
single lady rant that i have to get out and friends and countrymen and loves of my life: i mean no offense, i’m just annoyed. so.
i went to see a chick movie yesterday by myself. because i wanted to go to the discount show and knew i could get out of work early and my friends who actually did want to see breaking dawn couldn’t go at that time and i LIKE going to movies by myself. i go to the movies by myself often. and there were couples there and a guy behind me was complaining and it got me annoyed. with women. i hate that.
so my basic thought was, lady why did you drag your boyfriend to this admittedly dumb movie? he doesn’t want to be here, are you such a loser that you have no friends to go with? or like me, you couldn’t possibly leave the house alone? whenever i go to dinner or brunch by myself (which i do — a lot), i sometimes get self-conscious but eventually get over it. i’m fine with being by myself. yes i get lonely. i get lonely a lot, but i’d rather be lonely than have people look at me with pity.
i want to be able to admit to people that i’m starved for affection and sad sometimes and lonely without people looking at me with sympathy. by saying those things i’m not begging for you to make me feel better, i’m not begging for a boyfriend — they’re just facts. this too shall pass. or maybe it won’t i may live alone forever. i’m young, i have time, yes. but i am not too optimistic about finding a partner. i’m hard to live with. i hate doing things i do not want to do. i flat out refuse to compromise sometimes and i hated being expected to do things for another person every day. the thought of having a pet or something depending on me makes me stressed and scared. my brother and mother talk about their dogs and how much they love them and i feel this confusion, a void. i don’t get it. i worry that there’s something fundamentally wrong with my ability to care about others, my selfish tendencies are somehow larger. because of this i am not expecting to get married and have children and do all that shit. i’m not saying i’m a special snowflake — no — i’m saying that i want to live in my own bubble and welcoming someone else seems miserable yet i feel like i’m missing out.
i see friends with partners and sometimes think they take for granted that they’ve been together so long. or maybe they wouldn’t understand how it feels to be rejected a million times over by people i would reject right back. my insecurity has only gotten worse lately which is gross. and i hate the feeling that i somehow think that makes me more authentic — i don’t and it’s not fair to think that. i guess i don’t understand what the other side is like, to know someone is there for you and won’t hurt you. i’ve only ever been in bad relationships, some men have just tolerated me and some have been horrible to me. i’m obviously not blameless, and the common denominator is me. always me. this leads to bouts of resentment and bitterness that take hold in my brain and fester. on a small petty scale, i think things like “oh you couldn’t kill a bug yourself, you pathetic woman, grow the fuck up and kill the goddamn spider, how old are you.” not fair thoughts.
i think things like, i don’t need to hear about how much you love your husband. i don’t care. just like you don’t want to hear me bitch. the thoughts fly through and pass and the love i have for my friends takes over and reminds me to not be a cunt. but sometimes i want to scream that i get it — you’re happy! i noticed. usually at strangers because my friends are all amazing actually and wouldn’t say shit like “ugh husby was off at guys’ night and i had to call him home to kill the spider before i could take a bath!” shit i’ve heard people say. or this one girl who was afraid to take her trash out at night so called a dude to protect her. what a fool. or those who just gush and don’t know how to say a sentence without mentioning that they are better than me, someone loves them. i’m internalizing and ranting and letting it go. i’m not mad at anyone, only myself.
sometimes i just wish i could let go of the feeling that people around me think there is something wrong with me for this, this bitterness. my friends don’t make me feel that way, but sometimes the world does. and my natural counterargument is that “that’s fine, at least i can go see breaking dawn by myself.
