You know that feeling where you’re just annoyed and you don’t want to be annoyed so then you’re pissed you got annoyed and feel stupid and get even more annoyed and pissed at yourself? That is me right this second. Lately I find myself making concessions and trying not to be annoyed and upset because I want to be perfect and getting upset is being weak and being needy is being vulnerable but I just can’t seem to help myself. When you don’t have something for so very long and then all of a sudden you do, then thought of it going away is scary. Feeling the need to hold on tight because you don’t know what else to do when things get tougher than either wants is my nature. But it’s certainly not productive or helpful.
I may be doing this for all the right reasons, and it may still be what I want but knowing how much everyone has judged me and looked at me with pity starts to weigh on me till it threatens to break me down. Not to be cryptic, just want to vent without calling a friend and talking about it yet again. Being understanding of my foolishness has been lovely of everyone. Not shaking me and yelling at me has been nice. Being a long time single person is getting harder and I hate admitting that. Knowing what I want and not having it is a new level of lonely.
Oversharing, sure. Wine. Friday nights. Rain. It happens.