vainglorious

mills:

brianvan:

It’s not so much that I feel like I absolutely NEED a drink… though all this water is keeping my taste buds quite bored… but alcohol seems to be the keystone of all decent spontaneous social plans in NYC. What the hell am I supposed to do that DOESN’T involve alcohol?

I hate to say it, but there is a difficult adjustment period. Years in, I go out all the time: to bars, clubs, parties, and I rarely miss a Mardi Gras, and I never feel temptation. The urge comes, I find, when I’m alone or depressed or enraged or facing some dire life circumstance like heartbreak. Proximity to alcohol isn’t a problem; proximity to not giving a fuck is.

That said, there’s no avoiding this fact: American social activity in particular (and much of the world’s in general) is based on “celebration,” on social gatherings whose energy and raison d’etre come from a cathartic excitement and an existential exceptionalism: birthday, Friday, gameday, graduation day*. Alcohol chemically and psychologically enforces that exceptionalism, that break with the ordinary and unremarkable mood of your day.

Without alcohol, the appropriate sentiment isn’t something you can “turn on,” just as you can’t turn on happiness. But the parties require that you turn on, or be a wallflower until you feel the right mood. That might not happen on a given night.

So part of being sober is: accepting that you’ll sometimes not be able to immediately immerse yourself in the energy of a gathering, or enjoy a social interaction when your heart isn’t in it. Sometimes, you just won’t like an evening with hordes. You have to start obeying your natural moods: no more drowning a few and suddenly feeling talkative, exuberant, thrilled, energized, sexualized, rowdy.

(You’ll feel that way often enough, but not by your command).

*The can opening, the cork popping: these signal a shift in mood that is largely psychological, and only later chemical. For me, a Friday night party has no start gun; my mood is as it was when I left the office. It may slowly shift into something else, but it will not do so quickly and definitively. Alcohol is useful and probably necessary for a functional society, and if it’s not good for you, accept this: you will have limitations and angst, and -most painfully- boredom. But after a while, you develop around them, and sobriety becomes something you love.

I feel I should contribute to this “discussion”, given my arrest record and other such things of equal stupidity involving drinking. I’m just going to get real personal, not much insight or advice to offer…

The main reason it’s taken me 7 years to graduate: ALCOHOL. The only reason I’m currently having a shitty time of it in life: ALCOHOL (2nd DUI). Duh… I’ve had a few sober streaks, after being in jail mainly and after I was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning as a college freshman. And when I’ve been serious about losing weight. I don’t eat a whole lot, but I can drink unbelievable amounts of alcohol and have. But I’m … not … ready to stop altogether yet. Not ready to confront all these issues in myself and not ready to face the outside world sober, though I only drink now either on the weekend while chilling with friends at home or when out at a bar (which is never these days). Being mostly sober will not last … that I can guarantee and when I break this streak (uh, this weekend), I will probably fall out of control again at some point down the road. I’ve got it all under control at the moment… but yeah, it won’t last. It never does. New goal: no more drinking and driving (yes, I’m despicable).

What’s weird and awesome for me is my boyfriend doesn’t drink, for reasons that are personal to him and he encourages me not to drink either. I’ve drank sigificantly less since we began dating and that’s always a good thing in my book… But I miss bars, I miss alcohol-fueled hilarity, I miss going out and meeting tons of new people. I don’t miss blacking out, I don’t miss losing shit, I don’t miss embarrassing myself, I don’t miss fucking random guys, I don’t miss being in jail, I don’t miss having my parents look at me like I’m fucking the lowest person ever. I don’t miss my last major relationship that was desperately co-dependent, we were always getting so fucked up together and that’s basically what kept us together for longer than we should have been together. I don’t know… I have to get off my ass right now and go to school now to take finals for electives so I can graduate at 25 years old and then I have to come home to meet my 19 year old roommate (no offense dear, you’re the bestest!) so I can get a ride to Atlanta, since I can’t drive myself. Yeah… Needless to say all those “good times” weren’t fucking worth it.